Been Nice Knowin’ Ya

Like most people, Randy and I get our fair share of spam and scam emails.  Maybe I need to find a another form of entertainment, but I get a kick out of reading most of these emails.

I get the usual hot stock tips and requests to invest in the cure for cancer, which has already been discovered, by the way.  I ignore all of those.

I get the usual requests from some poor soul, usually in Nigeria, to help them free their multi-million dollar inheritance from the evil clutches of their government.  Or that my inheritance is waiting for me at a local airport (today it was the Boise International Airport).  All I have to do to claim my millions is to email this fella in Nigeria with my name, rank and serial number.

And they always have Yahoo email addresses for some reason.

I also get invitations to join websites to date ladies (?) with exotic names such as Tatyana, Dinara, and Irina, who almost always live overseas.  Of course, these ladies (?) don’t want my money, no, not at all!  They are alone and bored and just want my company.  Dinara is from Russia and lives a lonely and monotonous life as a tramway driver.  Her needs are simple.  All she wants to do is meet her love and invite him to her fair city to show him around and meet the parents.

Those emails I forward to Randy.

Kidding.

When I get an email from Apple, or eBay, or the IRS, I accept the challenge of reading through the message to find the clue.  You know the clue, right?  The one thing in the email that (hopefully) will give you an indication that the message is not from eBay, etc and is actually spam.  In the old days, it was evident very quickly that the message was a hoax.  Over the years, scammers have gotten better and better and it is getting harder and harder to find the clue.  It might be a punctuation error, a spelling or grammar error, or a slight difference in the real companies logo.   But it is there, I guarantee it.

Last week, I received a new attempt to extort money from me : A death threat.  The subject line of the email was right out of a Hollywood movie : ‘You can RUN but can never HIDE.”

I saw that when I checked my email in the morning, and I grabbed a fresh cup of coffee and thought, ‘Oh, this is gonna be good.’

This was quite a lengthy message, which I saw fit to read in its entirety to Randy.  It seems as though a trusted friend and work colleague has paid this person $25,000 (in advance!) to kill me.  My hit man, who has been watching my every move, has realized that I am a good person and doesn’t deserve to die.  He will call off the hit (and, apparently, double-cross whomever wants me dead) if I will pay him $30,000.

As an added bonus, well, other than continuing to live, he will provide me with enough evidence to prosecute my friend and colleague.

At the end of the email was a warning not to tell anybody, not to contact the authorities, etc.  If, while watching me, he notices anything funny, then my family will be put on the hit list as well.

He must have been serious about the warning as he typed it in all caps.

Unfortunately, if my killer doesn’t do me in soon, he will have to look for me in jail.  A few days later, I received a message from none other than President Trump.  Our President has done some Googling in his spare time and has come to the conclusion that, with all these millions I have laying around in various countries and airports, I am a terrorist.  I have been unknowingly dealing with imposters from African countries and been given only three days to get the documents, including the Anti-Terrorist and Ownership Certificate, to prove that the money is on the up and up.  A ‘reasonable person’ should have known this!

Since I did not get said documents to the White House within the time frame allotted, President Trump has probably already ordered my immediate arrest and he will make sure that I am jailed for life.

This is my favorite sentence in the message : “For your information, I have before me every evidence to nail you down and you can not escape the justice not while I am still the president.”

I have to wonder, though, why President Trump didn’t use Twitter to contact me?

I have watched enough Dr Phil and Catfish to know that there are people out there that fall for these tricksters.  Otherwise, they wouldn’t keep sending out the emails.  I really, really wanted to give this blog the title of ‘Who Believes This S**T?’, but thought better of it.

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